Injected some humor and criticism into a piece I encountered on Indian WhatsApp today. The piece, and my own commentary are shown in different fonts. Please enjoy!
COL.A.N.ROY.
I firmly believe terrorists are born to be killed & they do not deserve any rights, forget human rights.
<HUMOR>
I, Colonel A. N. Roy, of the Indian Army, am a human being.
When I say someone else is not a human being, then it means that they are not a human being.
You see, I was indoctrinated by a military system, where we don't like uncertainty at all.
There are no questions, only orders. The beauty of military life.
You see, they don't have a heart, or a brain, like you.
They don't walk on Mother Earth, breathing air through their lungs.
They were not born soft and small out of their mother's wombs, like you.
They never had tiny, tender fingers, as babies.
They are not human at all!
They are not innocent. I am innocent.
They are bad. I am good.
It would serve our national interest best, if we were to stop thinking of them as human at all. Please, don't question.
This is not Dharma Yuddha.
They are not your family.
They are not just people who got influenced by the wrong ideas, and who have to be compassionately guided back to their human feelings.
They are not human.
They deserve to be shot.
Got it? Cool!
</HUMOR>
Serving defence forces personnel at disturbed area should be beyond questioning by supreme court and law to that effect should be enacted in parliament.
<HUMOR>
Why involve the Constitutional Justice System at all? Everybody knows courts don't do justice.
It's not like we live in a Democracy or something. Justice is optional. Safety first.
What I say, is more important than the Justice System. Because unlike them, I love you.
What I have learned in the military is, it is better not to have the law involved. It streamlines the process.
Listen, I just want fresh young blood, at my command, ready to kill, ready to die, beyond question.
Is that clear?
</HUMOR>
I'm forwarding this msg to all contacts in my phone book n request you all do so if you agree.
A Great Feedback From an Army Veteran on Supreme Court's Order on Human Rights in Kashmir.
An Army veteran, who lost a family member to a militant’s bullet, has raised an agonising poser to the Supreme Court, “How much do you know about the brutality of war? How many of you have sent your progeny to the armed forces? Have you ever lost a family member in the defence of the country? Do you know the pain of losing a young son or having a widowed daughter or seeing your grandchildren grow up without their father?
If not, please do not impede our war effort.
<HUMOR>
I lost family members.
This tragedy has given me special permissions and privileges to act out my anger.
Do you have privileges? No? I didn't think so!
So sit down, and shut up, while I, the man with the special privileges get to preach to you.
Listen, I am a really, really heartbroken and sad person.
But, society has taught me that sadness is weakness, and anger is strength.
Therefore, I act out of anger, for revenge.
It does not matter whether the motives for each killing were driven by blind prejudiced revenge, or by sound, objective reasoning.
The point is I get to kill some bad guys for revenge. What a feeling!
So please don't impede me from doing it, ok?
"There isn't any feeling greater,
than to shoot first, and ask questions later."
—Weird Al, "Trigger Happy".
</HUMOR>
Human rights sound very nice when you and your families are safely ensconced in secure air-conditioned homes, but not when you are facing bullets and stone of a unruly religious fanatic mob."
<HUMOR>
Actually, an unruly religious mob throwing stones at you is a Human Rights violation. So some would say that if we just stick to Human Rights, everything will be covered. But they are idiots. Human Rights have to able to be switched on and off, at the government's convenience.
"People sleep peacefully in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf"
— George Orwell.
So you have an air conditioner that you bought with your meager salary, the breadcrumbs from your capitalist boss's dining table. Good for you! An air conditioner means that you are not suffering the consequences of global warming. But I am suffering.
Therefore, I am a morally superior human being. As your superior officer, I get to guilt trip and lecture you about what is right for you.
Unruly religious mobs are bad for you.
Isn't that right?
Isn't it also true that Prime Minister Narendra Modi rose to power after inciting an unruly religious mob in Gujarat?
Don't worry. He's in power now.
He will keep you safe from unruly angry mobs.
Unruly angry mobs are Narendra Modi's specialty.
The only way to stop an angry unruly mob, is to have an angry ruly mob, armed with guns, authorized by the government. We call them the Army. It's simpler. Indian Are Me. Pakistani Are Me.
When mobs fight, soon peace is achieved. Don't worry. You are not an Army Colonel like me. You are nothing but a pathetic little civilian, who wouldn't understand combat strategy at my level of sophistication. I have access to information that you don't!
Anyway, all we need to protect us from angry unruly mobs, is to hand over total power to Shri Modiji, no questions.
</HUMOR>
Applying the Court directions to the Pulwama incident, an FIR will be lodged against Gunner Rishi Kumar who risked his life and killed two terrorists despite being hit on his headgear.
Police investigations will carry on for years haunting him even when posted to other places in India.
Courts will issue summons and demand his presence. He will be accused of depriving the ‘innocent’ jihadis of their human rights and asked to justify the killings.
He will be queried-
"Are you sure they were terrorists? They did not kill you, why did you kill them?"
He will be asked-
"Did you give them adequate opportunity to surrender and reform themselves?"
"Did you give them a fair chance to escape?"
"Did you fire warning shots in the air?"
Instead of lauding his bravery, he will be subjected to judicial witch-hunt. What a disgrace for the nation...!
Subjecting active military operations to judicial review is an outlandish idea.
<HUMOR>
All these "reasonable" questions.
All these stupid journalists, and investigations.
Why this. Why that. What is this nonsense?
Listen, I am JAMES FUCKIN' BOND, 008!
I have a License to Kill from His Majesty's Government Himself.
I can kill anyone I want, no questions, Ok?
Ok, I am not actually British.
And India is no longer ruled by a monarchy.
And Shri Modi-ji is unfortunately not the King and Emperor of Akhand Bharat, as much as I want him to be.
And there is no such thing as a License to Kill.
But I WANT ONE!!!!
It is in the National Interest.
Please don't ask questions about who I kill, why I kill, when I kill, where I kill, how I kill.
Just trust that I will kill in your best interest.
Stupid democratic checks and balances!
They always get in my way.
Wish we didn't have them.
Don't you agree?
</HUMOR>
Whereas all nations empower their soldiers to vanquish enemies of the state, India takes pride in shackling them.
<HUMOR>
"India takes pride in shackling them".
I am a loyal and devoted soldier, willing to take bullets and suffer severe pain for this country.
But please, not the pain of having to answer a few reasonable questions.
Oh those bothersome questions! They are such shackles.
Enemies bullets can't stop me.
I can survive for 48 hours without food and water.
But a few simple questions, after a good night's sleep, and a hearty breakfast of aloo parantha — that is too painful for me.
I mean, the questions are not about the meal expense of the aloo paratha, but about a human life. But really? Do I have to answer questions? That is adding insult to injury!
Also, "all" nations, do not technically unleash their soldiers to kill at will.
There are nations that do have this weird concept called "human rights", that we are trying to eliminate. It is hard to believe, but some nations actually have laws governing their soldiers, and each soldier has to account for each killing. How barbaric! How unjust! How undemocratic! Total losers!
I mean, war is not like a BANG-BANG-shoot-everyone-on-sight video game like I kinda wished for, growing up. That sucks!
So, "all nations" do not, "empower their soldiers" in the lawless way mentioned here. This is a lie, but it is a lie in the national interest. So it is a good lie. Any lie that saves you from pain is a good lie.
As I said, I, Colonel A. N. Roy, of the Indian Army, am a good person, and not a liar at all.
You can trust me to kill on your behalf.
I would never distort the truth to fit my mindset and try to convince you of sheer lies.
You can count on me!
</HUMOR>
While addressing the U.S. Naval Academy in April 2010, Secretary of Defence Robert M Gates of USA had said-
"You have answered the trumpet call. For my part, I consider myself personally responsible for each and every one of you as though you were my own sons and daughters. And when I send you in harm’s way, as I will, I will do everything in my power to see that you have what you need to accomplish your mission – and come home safely."
<HUMOR>
This is the perfect opportunity to quote an American General.
You see, Indians will believe anything when a White person says it.
Isn't it great that a representative of the USA, the country that has caused more wars in recent history than any other country, says that he treats soldiers, "as though you were my own sons and daughters" ? It is a very relatable, and powerful human sentiment. A bond of love, trust, and family!
You almost actually forget that these young people are just poor brainwashed victims of class warfare, sent to die for corporate profits in foreign lands where they don't know anybody, but have been taught to fear, hate, and suspect everybody.
Hearing the American General say "my own sons and daughters", about the troops he calmly sent to the slaughterhouse, gives me the same feeling as when an Indian CEO says, "In this company, we are all one family!"
Isn't it a very common practice for parents to say to their "own sons and daughters":
"My Sweet Child,
I want you to go risk your life for my safety and comfort.
You see, I am too old to fight. But I still like to be safe and comfortable.
I like my air conditioner. So I will stay right here, and you can go lose an arm, or a leg, or your life.
Good luck, and God bless! Hooray for our country!"
Isn't that a warm, family feeling? One of sacrificing your loved ones, for yourself.
America is a mighty and powerful nation, with awesome presidents, such as President Donald Trump. President Trump remains a lifelong friend and close ally of Shri Modi-ji.
It is these two leaders' honesty, their devotion to their respective nations, and their determination to never incite unruly angry mobs, that brought these strong men together.
"Howdy Modi!", said, President Trump.
The sheer affection and friendship between these two men as they hugged on stage was so moving, it brought tears to my eyes.
Those immortal words, spoken by a great White man, the leader of the Free World, will forever echo in history.
Trump is going to jail, but many great people have been to jail. So what?
</HUMOR>
Apparently, India’s Supreme Court thinks differently.
Human rights of the enemies of the state appear to be far more important than the security of the country.
<HUMAN>
"human rights of our enemies" > "security of the country"
Human rights are just human rights.
They are not, "human rights of our enemies" / "human rights of our friends".
Any organization dedicated to "human rights", does not care about nationalities.
A human needs medical assistance, and medicine is provided.
A human needs food / water, and it is provided, without asking about the person's political/religious beliefs.
What is the "security of the country"?
If every human's rights are secure, then the country is secure.
"security of the country" means security of its people.
Are people in India "secure"?
Is food / water / medicine available to all?
If not, then why are we stealing money from those hungry mouths, to buy guns and multimillion dollar fighter planes? Wouldn't it make more sense to feed the hungry first?
"Sorry, Mother and Father. We can't afford food.
You might have to starve to death.
But I bought a gun to protect our house.
I will be standing guard with my gun,
because I heard on TV that some bad people,
from the wrong religion,
are going to try to break in here.
You can die in peace.
Hunger is not so bad.
I will defend our borders.
Gotta keep 'em separated!"
When the masses are poor, "security" really means security for the property of the rich capitalists. Let's just take care of every human's rights. Forget about security.
</HUMAN>
Finally, as a serving officer commented -
“The Supreme Court has given us two options-
Get killed and the country will honour your martyrdom or
Kill the terrorist and face police/judicial investigations for years."
His apprehensions are genuine and shared by the most.
<HUMOR>
Of course, my views are "shared by the most".
And by "most", I mean over 50% of 1,420,849,595 Indians.
And of course, I have conducted a detailed opinion poll on this subject.
According to this unbiased, large-scale scientific study, technically "most", which is at least 717,424,797 people, think exactly as I do.
See? We all agree. It is so convenient.
Well, that settles that question.
Let's quickly move on.
As I said, I, Colonel A. N. Roy, of the Indian Army, am a good person, and not a liar at all.
I would never make up stuff that is convenient, just to manipulate your opinion.
The apprehensions are as "genuine" as they are "shared by most".
</HUMOR>
Wonder which soldier will look forward to serving in such antagonistic environment!
<HUMOR>
Is this a deep rhetorical question to ponder, or is this a question that can actually be answered?
"Which soldier would look forward to serving?"
1. Someone who has absorbed a lot of nationalistic propaganda on TV, newspapers, and social media.
2. Someone who does not have adequate education, and lacks critical thinking abilities.
3. Someone who believes that it's their duty to kill a person that they never met before, and have no personal quarrels with.
4. Someone who believes killing strangers is better than doing small, positive things to bring peace to the world.
5. Someone who believes "the enemy" travels by refugee boats, and not by private jets.
6. Someone who believes that The Bhagvadgita is not a guiding story, a metaphor for the struggle within the human soul; Instead, The Bhagvadgita is about acting angrily in the world, and committing ruthless violence against your "enemies".
Everybody wants to change the world. Nobody wants to do the dishes at home.
</HUMOR>
Appeal to All Indians:-
However, Let us all make this a People's movement so that the Supreme Court will Reconsider the issue and Appreciate its gravity.
<HUMOR>
A People's Movement? What an excellent idea!
A movement where some People kill other People to protect the property of some other People.
All the People are in it together!
"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."
—George Carlin.
You should believe George Carlin.
He was a Good White Man.
Like Mr. Modi's dear friend, Donald Trump.
</HUMOR>
We cannot Fight for India on borders but We can Fight for our Soldiers Betterment from the safety of our homes.👏
<HUMOR>
"We cannot Fight for India on borders"
Actually, we can fight for India on borders.
If you would like to defend India's borders,
please purchase a gun out of patriotic duty,
with your own money.
Then, catch a train to the Pakistani border.
You can also opt for the Siachen pass, if you have warm clothes.
Station yourself, with your gun, at a point near the border.
If anyone crosses the border, just shoot them.
With this simple method, you too can save solider's lives.
If enough citizens follow this procedure,
soon our borders will be thoroughly protected.
It is a bit inconvenient and uncomfortable, but as a dutiful patriot,
I am sure you are willing to make huge sacrifices for your country.
Another method of "Soldiers Betterment" would be to work to bring about fairness in the world.
To feed people at home first. To spread the wealth fairly, so there is no need for wars.
But these things are uncomfortable. I don't want to do them. And you don't either.
If you are just a hypocritical coward who is unwilling to actually do anything at all,
and are just looking stay comfortably at home with your air conditioner,
and just want a convenient excuse to rationalize your cowardly inaction,
you can always send other people on the border to die for you.
The trick to doing that, is to get these cows to believe that they are sacrificing their lives out of their own free will. Like totally legit steakhouses in India. Get this, we put these VR headsets on the cows and show them films while we raise them. Then, when they're ready, we set them free. And, the VR has programmed them to walk to that blade, and slit their own throats. We didn't kill any cows. Tender juicy steak!
वसुधैव कुटुम्बकम् is total bullshit.
They are not your family. They are not human. Kill them.
Look, we know life is complicated.
There are so many times a day, when you click, "I Agree", and "OK", and "PAY fnord NOW!" without realizing what you just committed yourself to.
Here's where the BJP can help. When you vote for BJP, your whole life is simplified. The bad guys are taken outside and shot in the head, and thrown in an uncovered hole in the ground. You never have to worry about them again. You won't even know they exist. You can go about your day in worry free way. You will soon see more and more temples, and fewer and fewer mosques. Life will be good for the average Hindu. After all, India is the ancient home of the Hindu community, just like Israel is the Holy Land of the Jewish community. In fact, India is buying surveillance software from Israel, AI capabilities to filter out the "bad people". You know who I'm talking about? Of course you do! The BJP and the Israeli government have the same kinds of foes. And we will make them unpersons.
Please vote for the BJP.
</HUMOR>
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